A Serious Debate

[analane]

So, how much wood WOULD a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

[Ravenous]

The real question is: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck norris?

[kosherbacon]

Two and a half cords per season.

[jarek56]

Two and a half cords per season.

You know, kosher, the fact that you had that answer ready made for just such an occasion leaves me so vaguely confused and utterly impressed that I am going to do Lena's route FIRST in the VN just because of that alone, and because I secretly have crushed upon you. And then, I'm going to rip my eyes out of my head with an egg beater because I'm certain that brain bleach just won't be enough, and have my vocal cords donated to SCIENCE so as to discover why exactly I EVER said any of this.

I vote that such a wood chuck, IF a would chuck could, in fact, Chuck Norris, that approximately 73% of the trees in Siberia would instanly disintegrate.

[Al Capwned]

So, how much wood WOULD a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

It is quite simple really. Humans chuck wood at a 90 degree angle resulting in a 30 degree parabolic arc, this arc is inversely proportional to the mass of the human versus the mass of the wood being chucked. This results an optimal wood chucking speed. Woodchucks chuck wood at an aproximately 24.67839 degree angle, which by the way is a very difficult angle to chuck wood, resulting in two different arcs, one of 84.987 degrees and another at 5.3428373909 degrees. This inefficient way of chucking wood means woodchucks chuck 98.546% less wood than your standard human male.

tl;dr
woodchucks can't chuck very much wood

[analane]

Well, if a woodchuck COULD, indeed, chuck Norris, he (or she, I am all for gender equality) would immediately be lauded on the internet for its Norris-chucking abilities. Said woodchuck would be placed in high esteem, even above the alleged Norris, and thusly would have many jokes made about its abilities until years later, when someone realizes that everyone's just beating a dead horse, or in this case, a dead woodchuck, as the woodchuck (marmota morax) can only live an average of two to three years in the wild.

[jarek56]

Well, if a woodchuck COULD, indeed, chuck Norris, he (or she, I am all for gender equality) would immediately be lauded on the internet for its Norris-chucking abilities. Said woodchuck would be placed in high esteem, even above the alleged Norris, and thusly would have many jokes made about its abilities until years later, when someone realizes that everyone's just beating a dead horse, or in this case, a dead woodchuck, as the woodchuck (marmota morax) can only live an average of two to three years in the wild.

A fine point, sir or ma'am. (Honestly, I can't tell gender for shit these days on the inter-webs) My only contesting point is how long does a woodchuck actually capable of chucking Chuck Norris have to live, and how much longer could such a wood chuck's lifespan be extended in captivity barring the usage of a deathnote, immortality drug, or questionable religious ceremony?

[analane]

Ma'am, thank you
And with proper care of your pet groundhog or woodchuck, it can (in captivity) live anywhere from 9-14 years. However, if your woodchuck is approved for human vaccine testing, it will be infected with Woodchuck Hepatitis B, thus guaranteeing liver cancer, which I believe "wood" cut his or her lifespan short.

[jarek56]

A most...unexpectedly fascinating bit of information. You know of groundhog life-span from personal experience, I take it?

I couldn't care a WHIT what gender you are!!

As for your...vaccination pun...best not to...like even APPROACH that...

[analane]

No, I know it from educational websites, sadly, but I WISH I knew from experience. That'd be cool.

[scopedknife]

Heheh... wood...

[TheLastMelody]

Heheh... wood...

^ = Win

[Super Läzuli]

There's an actual answer to this question:

a woodchuck would chuck all the wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

[jarek56]

There's an actual answer to this question:

a woodchuck would chuck all the wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

BUT HOW MUCH WOOD IS THAT??!?!?!?!

[Super Läzuli]

Sure is, George.

[jarek56]

Sure is, George.

*fails to understand the reference*

[Super Läzuli]

Son you needs to watch your Droopy Dog.

More seriously though that's not exactly how it's said in the original anyway so no probz. It's just something I say (also: "Sure am, Eddy")

[jarek56]

(also: "Sure am, Eddy")

To this, sir, I merely reply "GREETINGS, I AM ED! Bringer of Bacon."

[Super Läzuli]

What can you do when you live in a shoe and you ain't got no soul?

[Waytfm]

What can you do when you live in a shoe and you ain't got no soul?

Write a Delta blues song about it. I think I'm going to do that now.