General Food Topic

[MDV]

So yeah people, in a few weeks I'll be in charge of the house alone for a while, so that'll mean cooking for myself. I can't cook worth shit, so I want to use the period to try out some new things. Is that a good excuse to start a thread about food and recipes? I think it is! Share your recipes folks, I might try some of them out if there's no cheese or obscure ingredients in them .

[notop]

Share your recipes folks, I might try some of them out if there's no cheese or obscure ingredients in them .

Cheese is an obscure ingredient? O.o

[MDV]

Share your recipes folks, I might try some of them out if there's no cheese or obscure ingredients in them .

Cheese is an obscure ingredient? O.o

Not at all. I wrote cheese or obscure ingerients, not cheese or 'other' obscure ingredients .

[notop]

Share your recipes folks, I might try some of them out if there's no cheese or obscure ingredients in them .

Cheese is an obscure ingredient? O.o

Not at all. I wrote cheese or obscure ingerients, not cheese or 'other' obscure ingredients .

Ah. So you did. I blame my poor reading on how early it is. I'm not supposed to be up before noon on days I don't have anything to do.
I'd give you a recipe, but all I eat is pasta and chips. And lemonade. Not exactly the best thing for you.

[Malkav]

With my people being from the Andes mountains of South America, I'm afraid a significant portion of my recipes include "cheese or obscure ingredients". However, I do know ONE that does not require any of those!

MALKAV'S MAD, CRAZY CHICKEN

Ingredients you will need (per serving):

2 cans of Cream of Mushroom soup (preferably one that has actual slices of mushrooms in it)
8 chicken leg/drumsticks (or the equivalent thereof in meat; the actual source is irrelevant)
1/2 a scotch glass of white whine (Michael Moore produces plenty of this, I hear)
1/4 a scotch glass of honey (yellow or white is entirely up to the chef)
1 scotch glass of white rice (ethnic-colored rice is also fine; this recipe doesn't discriminate)
1+ garlic cloves (so long as you don't eat them all before you get around to cooking them)
1+ metal spoons' worth of onion (try to avoid using an entire onion; that just looks funny)
Any number of carrots, if desired (preferably no more than a full scotch glass' worth; what are you, a rabbit?)
oil of the cooking variety (love oil has been found to work rather poorly)

Useful tools include a frying pan, spatula, kitchen knife, wooden ladle, and at least two cooking pots. Feel free to improvise, however. Screwdrivers, dented sheets of scrap metal, and old World War 1 infantry helmets tend to work almost as well!

How to cook this batch:

0) Everyone knows that rice takes forever to cook. Take a small "cooking pot" and dump your 1 scotch glass of rice into it. Follow it up with 2 scotch glasses of water, then leave it to boil until drowned/squishy. Usually, by the time you've finished cooking MALKAV'S MAD, CRAZY CHICKEN, the rice will ALMOST be ready. But (un)happy coincidences can happen.

1) Heat your "frying pan" on a stove, moving the heat dial to 4.5 if its maximum reading is 10.
2) While you're waiting for this useless relic of the Caveman Epoch to conduct heat, spread a bit of "oil" over it, massaging it in with your fingers, if need be. The surface of your pan should be a well-lubricated, but not quite gooey. This is a labor of love, after all, not debauchery!
3) Butcher your clove(s) of garlic and portion(s) of onion(s) as desired. These dismembered vegetables should go immediately into the oiled-up "frying pan", where they can soak up the delicious oils.

4) Wait. The bits of garlic and onion need to be appropriately seared. You'll know that this has happened when either the onions and garlic become vaguely transparent (clear) or you notice a tiny, shrill shrieking emanating from your frying pan.
5) Once either of those has happened, the "pan" is ready for FLESH!!! Throw the corpsified chicken limbs/pig slabs/cow paste into the scorching-hot cooking utensil! Raise the heat level to 6.5 and dance to the song of sizzling organic matter!
6) Wait. Probe the cooking pieces of animal with your "knife" after 5 minutes. If you see blood, they're not dead yet and need to suffer longer. If the core down to the bone has not turned mostly brown/tan from cooking, they're not dead yet and need to suffer longer. If you hear screaming, that's just the garlic and onions.

7) Once death as been achieved, disconnect the chicken drumsticks (or whatever animal you've decided to devour) from the "frying pan". Then, disconnect the "frying pan" from the heat source. In its place, put a "cooking pot"!
8) Now, you must disembowel your cans of Cream of Mushroom Soup and empty its contents into this "cooking pot". Wait for it to come to a gentle simmer. Take this time to ensure that your rice has not melted away from neglect or jealousy.
9) Once the fungal broth begins bubbling and hissing at you with barely restrained fury, empty your 1/2 scotch glass of white whine and your 1/4 scotch glass of honey into it. These things should leave it too intoxicated to retaliate. You may now insert your "wooden ladle" into the "cooking pot", being sure to thoroughly stir up its insides. If your ministrations are gentle, it should not struggle overmuch against your ministrations.

10) When you feel that your honey has mixed thoroughly with the rest of the warm fluids, withdraw your "wooden ladle" and begin feeding your meat in through the top (any carrots desired should also be introduced now). You should have no trouble making it fit.
11) Wait. The plant and animal organisms need about 15 to 20 minutes' worth of Level 4.5 simmering before are completely ready for consumption. During this time, you may check on the rice again, tasting its consistency and resolve while taking note of what secrets it may have hidden away.
12) TA-DA! You now have two steaming, stinking pots of delicious fuel! Traditionally served by slapping the rice on top of the saucy chicken to simulate maggots on a putrefying corpse with a fruity, red wine.

[notop]

Post this in the Burgers vs. Chicken thread.
Chicken will finally win.
Just take out the ending part with maggots and corpses, and stuff...

[Smokey]

Just take out the ending part with maggots and corpses, and stuff...

That sold the meal for me. Why remove it?

[Waytfm]

Well, now I know who not to invite to dinner

[myshoesarebrown]

I just survive off peanut butter sandwiches, canned salmon, broccoli, and coffee. Seems to work for me.

[notop]

Oh. Simulate. I read similar. Gracious, how I made it this far in life is beyond me.
That's perfectly fine.
I... I'm just going to shut up now.
Also...

Well, now I know who not to invite to dinner

I hope I'm invited.

[Hand to mouth]

Simply solutions with comedy for free!

http://www.youtube.com/user/Hand2MouthShow

[Waytfm]

Domo arigato Mr. Roboto?

[TheLastMelody]

This is THE recipe for men living alone (I don't know about women, perhaps they use it too?)

Mystery Food X

1 Piece of meat
1 Frying pan
1 Cooking stove
Some butter/frying oil
Some seasoning

Turn the Cooking stove to max
Melt butter/add oil and smear it out over the whole frying pan (only the round flat area with a circle(usually a circle) around it)
Place the meat in the frying pan
Add seasoning
Consider turning down heat, depending on how burnt you like your meat
Watch the meat get cooked while turning it around every now and then (the more often you turn it, the lesser burnt it gets)
Wait until YOU think the meat looks good and, voila.
Bon Apetit

[Brasse]

I like to throw in some King Edward potatoes along with the meat, preferably with the skin still on. Otherwise, oven-roasted potato wedges with thyme and sea salt is a dish worthy of gods, especially with a tiny bit of garlic juice here and there.

[Gloom]

This is THE recipe for men living alone (I don't know about women, perhaps they use it too?)

Mystery Food X

1 Piece of meat
1 Frying pan
1 Cooking stove
Some butter/frying oil
Some seasoning

Turn the Cooking stove to max
Melt butter/add oil and smear it out over the whole frying pan (only the round flat area with a circle(usually a circle) around it)
Place the meat in the frying pan
Add seasoning
Consider turning down heat, depending on how burnt you like your meat
Watch the meat get cooked while turning it around every now and then (the more often you turn it, the lesser burnt it gets)
Wait until YOU think the meat looks good and, voila.
Bon Apetit

Is that a Persona 4 reference there?

[TheLastMelody]

This is THE recipe for men living alone (I don't know about women, perhaps they use it too?)

Mystery Food X

1 Piece of meat
1 Frying pan
1 Cooking stove
Some butter/frying oil
Some seasoning

Turn the Cooking stove to max
Melt butter/add oil and smear it out over the whole frying pan (only the round flat area with a circle(usually a circle) around it)
Place the meat in the frying pan
Add seasoning
Consider turning down heat, depending on how burnt you like your meat
Watch the meat get cooked while turning it around every now and then (the more often you turn it, the lesser burnt it gets)
Wait until YOU think the meat looks good and, voila.
Bon Apetit

Is that a Persona 4 reference there?

You, my friend, are a smart man.

[kosherbacon]

I've been experimenting lately, and here's something I was reasonably successful with.

Barbecue sauce, medium consistency, sweet and tangy, as devised for this occasion.

1 1/2 cups tomato ketchup
1/2 cup distilled or apple cider vinegar
1/2 cup water
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
1 cup brown sugar
2 1/2 tablespoons dry mustard powder
2 tsp paprika
2 tsp salt
1 tsp ground black pepper
1 tsp garlic powder
a couple dashes ground Cayenne pepper

Combine ingredients in saucepan, mix well, heat up and allow to bubble until sauce is dark and sugar is all melted. Good for about three racks of pork ribs.

In the coming weeks, I'll experiment with dry rub recipes.

[kosherbacon]

http://imgur.com/a/byBd9

[raithfyre]

Banned for necro'ing a thread

[Steinherz]

Not mine, but hey:

Ingredients:

• 1 Sheet Kombu
  10-12 Dried Shiitake Mushrooms
  6 Cups Water
  5-7 Leaves Napa Cabbage
  1 1/2 Cup Broad Beans
  A couple pinches of Wakame
  Wonton Wrappers
  1 Asian Pear, chopped finely
  3-5 Green Onions, finely chopped
  10 Cloves Garlic, minced
  Ginger Root
  1/2 cup Soy Sauce (or to taste)
  1/2 cup Ponzu Sauce
  1 tbs. Garlic Chili Sauce (or to taste)
  1 tbs. Mirin
  2 tbs. Chinese Five Spice

Directions
Start the broth by putting the water and the sheet of Kombu into a large soup pot. Bring the water to a simmer, and then add the dried mushrooms, two tablespoons of the minced garlic, and a couple slices of ginger root. Bring the broth to a boil, then reduce the heat and allow the broth to simmer while you prepare the wonton filling. Chop up half a cup of the broad beans into tiny pieces. Remove one or two of the mushrooms from the broth and chop them finely too. Take one or two leaves of the Napa Cabbage and chop that finely. In a small mixing bowl, add the chopped mushrooms, chopped beans and copped cabbage along with the green onions, Asian pear and remaining garlic and mix this thoroughly together. Season mixture with some soy sauce and grated ginger to taste. Heat up a frying pan with the the oil of your choice, and fry the mixture until nicely browned. Start building your wontons following these instructions. Only make enough wontons that you will be using right away, about 2-3 per bowl. It is not a good idea to make them all at once and do not add the wontons directly to the soup. In a separate pot from your broth, boil the wontons in some salted water until they are translucent. Remove them with a slotted spoon and place them in your serving bowls. Reduce the heat on the broth and remove the kombu and ginger, but keep the mushrooms. Add the soy sauce, ponzu sauce, mirin and chili garlic sauce to the broth and stir. Taste it, and add more of the ingredients you think it needs until the broth tastes right to you. This might be different for everyone. When the broth is too your liking, add the the remaining broad beans, the napa cabbage and the wakame. Be careful with wakame because it expands a lot, a little goes a very long way. Let the soup simmer for another 5 to ten minutes. Your soup is pretty much done now, so spoon the soup into the serving bowls over the wontons and enjoy!