Masks [working title, language warning]

[Homeless]

This is only my third fanfic. I enjoy writing, and would love any hints, pointers or suggestions on how to make my writing more appealing. Don't worry, I can take constructive criticism.

Masks

She sat quietly watching the people go by, a open copy of A Brief History of Time sat beside her cup of black coffee. She turned her gaze from the people to the summer sky above. It was mid June, and it was warm, with no breeze, the late afternoon sun broiled the pavement and the people walking by. But there were clouds, she liked the clouds. The cafe patio she sat at was empty, people choosing to find shelter in the air conditioned indoors.

Fucking idiot, the voice in her head said. She ignored it, remembering that the doctors told her it would take up to 2-3 weeks for the medications she was prescribed to take effect. She didn't like them, they made her head foggy, but she had only been on them for a few days now. The voice didn't like them either, and had made this well known to her.

Why did you have to tell them about me?, the voice piped up, dripping with hate. We get along so well you and I. She sighs to her self, closes her book, and finishes her coffee. She heads off to the local planetarium, a bit earlier than she'd hope to, but she knew better then to sit and let her mind idle. Glancing up at the sky, hoping that the clouds would clear by the time she reached the planetarium.

Oh don't be like that, you like me and you know it. She put on the smile that kept people from being afraid. She'd learned to do this early, and also learned to keep her mind busy. This kept the voice quiet, mostly. She had learned a lot, especially over the past few months. She, Jeanne Lefevre, would be sent off to a high school for the mentally challenged. Her parents had decided this, they didn't even ask. Great, stuffed off to some retard school, the voice said mocking her. She found it hard to ignore that comment, and barely suppressed a cringe.

She adjusted her glasses and smiled at people she passed, need to look normal after all. The summer dress she wore was cool, but she still perspired. It was fair a walk to the planetarium, just out side of the little town she lived. Most people would call it quaint, but it suited her just fine. The country side was filled with crops, open fields and speckled with the odd farm house here and there. A light breeze picked up and cleared the sky, but offered no coolness in its touch. Why do you waste your time there? You want to fuck that old man don't you? The voice asked, No, she answered back, knowing full well she shouldn't be trying to have a discussion in her head. You know why, she replied ending the conversation. It was getting dark as the planetarium came into view. Opening the door, the cool air greeted her and offered relief form the oppressive heat.

“Mon petite chou, long time no see!” The man said with a thick American accent. He was a thin man, maybe in his late 20's, she didn't know, she never bothered to ask. David smelled of stale cigarettes and coffee. David was actually the one who started me on my caffeine addiction. He let me keep my telescope up on the roof, I couldn't use it at home, there was too much light pollution.

David was one of those world traveller types you always hear about. He had back packed across Europe, been to Australia, and had even spent a month in Japan. He was offered a job here at the planetarium and accepted just 3 years ago. Quite a prestigious accomplishment for someone so young. You want his cock, the voice chimed in.

David handed her a cup of coffee, and grabbed a lap top that he used to look up star charts and news about meteor showers. They made their way to the roof. The sun was just kissing the horizon now, casting a pinkish hue over the land scape. She was quiet with David, she always was, and he accepted this. He just wanting to help someone younger than himself enjoy a shared love for the night sky and all the wonders it held.

“So, what shall it be this evening?” David asked, setting down his coffee mug on a small table beside the lap top before opening it and powering it on. “Well, we have time to catch Mercury, it should be over this way,” Jeanne said, aiming the telescope towards the constellation of Taurus. “Oh, there's Venus, and..” She said looking for the planet named after the ancient Roman messenger god. “There it is,” She said, stepping away from the eye piece so David could have a look.

Waste of time, you should just get down and suck his cock, you know you want to. She blushed a little at this, thankful that David had his attention to the eye piece. She composed herself, having a hard time thinking about anything but Davids private parts. This tired her, it was like a battle of wills in her head. This is why she spent so much time alone, hard to say the wrong things to people when there are no people to say them to. Yeah, pansy, “we are just friends”, you're fucking weak, the voice said. She gives her head a shake and goes to the computer to look up some star charts in an attempt to distract her mind.

The night continued on like this, them sharing the eye piece to the telescope in between sips of coffee and looking up different coordinates for various things they wanted to see. Jeanne was going to miss these times up on the planetarium roof, with nothing but David and the stars and planets to fill the quiet emptiness that had crept into her world. A moments thought about taking this away from her with out even her say raised her ire.

I want you to go away, leave and never come back, she said to the ever present voice that rattled around in her mind. Fuck you, I live here rent free, why would I leave? You can't evict me, you don't own this building, it's mine. I'm the one who says things you don't want to, I'm the one who has the back bone here, it's me who is the strong one not you. I can break you here and now and there is nothing you can do about it. Now shape up bitch, he's been starring at you for at least 5 minutes now. Fucking dumb cunt.

“You okay mon petite chou?” David asked, with concern painted on his face and voice. Jeanne, had let lose a tear with out realizing it. She closed her eyes and responded, “Yeah, it's just... it's just..” She couldn't finish the sentence. “Is it about why you are going away to school?” David asked, with the concern that painted his earlier question slightly faded. She said, trying to compose herself, but just barely doing so. “I think I should go home,” Jeanne said trying to bring back the smile that kept people thinking she was happy. “Okay, let me drive you home, it's late and you shouldn't be walking this late at night alone,” he said as he powered off the lap top and took both of the empty coffee cups. She grabbed her book and follows David wordlessly into the planetarium.

She wiped the tears from her face, as she followed the man that smells like coffee and cigarettes. She'd miss this too, the smells coming from David always remind her of the mostly peaceful evenings spent star gazing. Gone because you didn't have the fucking backbone. She smiled, as David lead her to his car parked in the empty parking lot. He spent many nights here, past closing, just star gazing.

The ride home, was quiet, as always. Jeannes home was just in the northern suburbs of this small town, a large house, with stone walls and a deck that wrapped around three walls. It was a warm place, but large for just herself, her sister and her parents. David pulled into the drive and parked the car, looking at Jeanne, “You be sure to come visit before you leave for school mon petite chou,” he said with a kind smile and his American accent that seeped through. “I will,” She said as she closed the car door. She watched for a moment as David pulled out and drove off. Maybe, just maybe this new school will help me after all, She thought to herself as she headed inside.

[SemiPolish]

My only concern is that you switched from the past tense to the present tense towards the end, which kind of threw me off. Otherwise, if this is really a work in progress with planned continuations, I look forward to future installments. I found the monologue from the malignant personality very interesting.

[Homeless]

My only concern is that you switched from the past tense to the present tense towards the end, which kind of threw me off. Otherwise, if this is really a work in progress with planned continuations, I look forward to future installments. I found the monologue from the malignant personality very interesting.

Thank you, tenses tend to be my Achilles heel, I'll fix them when I have time. I wasn't planing on continuing this but, I like where my head is taking this. Considering the only thing released has been character bios, this feels more like fiction than fan fiction to me. It's easier to write when all the research is done for you (I did just a little research for this story, I'll end up doing more I know, I don't think I have a choice really)

Thanks for the input.

[Waytfm]

I really like it. Other than the tense change, I didn't have any real problems with it. Tenses aren't really hard to fix either. Believe me, I'll trade you my comma problems for your tense problems any day. I love the fact that we finally have a work that actually deals with one of the characters

I'm also excited to hear you know where your going with this. It'll be nice to see more.

The inner voice really is a separate character in and of itself, so it should have it's own quotation marks and everything. At least, you should make sure it gets italicized everywhere. There's one paragraph that consists almost entirely of it talking, and the paragraph should reflect that, with either italicization, or changing all of the voice's dialogue into quotations.

[Homeless]

My only concern is that you switched from the past tense to the present tense towards the end, which kind of threw me off. Otherwise, if this is really a work in progress with planned continuations, I look forward to future installments. I found the monologue from the malignant personality very interesting.

Any chance you could point out those tense issues? I don't see them myself, not more than one or two anyways. If not could you point me in the direction of some one who could?

Thanks in advance,

Homeless

[Mr Immortal]

Liking this so far, but I have no feedback other than what has already been said. Although where it says "It was fair walk to the planetarium", it should be "It was a fair walk to the planetarium". It could be good to see where this goes from here

[Homeless]

Liking this so far, but I have no feedback other than what has already been said. Although where it says "It was fair walk to the planetarium", it should be "It was a fair walk to the planetarium". It could be good to see where this goes from here

fixed most things, hopefully

[SemiPolish]

A moments thought about taking this away from her with out even her say raises her ire.

Dunno what the intent was, but "raises" to "raised."

David asks, with concern painted on his face and voice.

David asks, with the concern that painted his earlier question slightly faded.

"Asks" to "asked."

She says, trying to compose herself, but just barely doing so. “I think I should go home,” Jeanne said trying to bring back the smile that kept people thinking she was happy.

I dunno what even happened here. The "She says" has no relevancy to the sentence it's in. I think you intended it for the following sentence (shown).

It may seem nitpicky, but consistent tense is absolutely critical in serious literature. Obviously this isn't meant to be professional, but we as a community are here to tear you apart and build you back up (that is, your writing)

[Homeless]

Not a problem, I thought I had fixed those errors, thanks for getting them!

[Homeless]

Again, comments and criticisms are welcome. (Sorry for the wait, working on another project at the same time.)


Part 2.

She awoke to the sun peeking through her blinds. Jeanne rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, but did not get up. She relaxed in her soft down filled pillows and blankets for awhile. She looked around her room. It was on the large side, with her computer desk that sat at the end of her bed. Opposite her dresser and book shelves that were separated by a rather large window. The air conditioning kept it cool, but she was sure that it was going to be hot today. With a sigh, she threw the covers off and swallowed her morning dose of medication. “Retard pills,” the voice almost screamed inside her skull. A bath, that's what she wanted.

She stood in one the two and a half baths in her parents house. The bathroom was large, with enough room for her to lay on the floor and not touch anything in any direction. Jeanne studied the figure in the mirror, just over the clothes she had picked out for the day. The girl that looked back at her was attractive, the pale skin of her body, with only a very few hints of freckles on her cheeks and shoulders, giving away a hint of her preference to take quiet walks on beautiful days. Jeanne was short, but that was okay with her, after all “Good things come in small packages” right? Her breasts her a good size, according to over heard conversations from the local boys she chose to ignore, or tried to.

“Yeah, I'd do me, I'd do me so hard,” the voice in her head muttered. It was hard to suppress a grin to that. Jeanne knew she was good looking, and could have any man she wanted, but it was the voice that ruined all that for her. “Don't blame me, you're the fucking stick in the mud, you could have been tagged teamed a dozen times by now if it wasn't for your frigid cunt,” Being alone, Jeanne let slip a cringe. She knew she had to be cold, people wouldn't understand if she piped and said “Oh by the way, I have this voice in my head, It hates every thing and everyone,” This was not the note she wanted to start her day with.

Jeanne ran her bath water while brushing her teeth, ignoring the voice that bounced around her skull as best she could. After she rinsed and turned off the tap, she removed her black silk pajamas and watched herself get in the tub in the mirror. I really do have a nice ass,” she thought to herself with the voice piping up “Yeah, I'd tap that.”

The hot water surrounded her, turning her pale skin bright pink as she slowly took her time sitting down. These kinds of things drove the voice out, and relaxed her so it was a double win in her books.

“Vienna, well that should be interesting,” Jeanne thought to herself. She'd been around the world, a few times, but this would be a new place for her. She couldn't admit to herself that she really wanted to go, if only to be around others of her own kind. What ever that meant. Jeanne's parents explained all about the school for people with mental disabilities, they told her that the school would help her to understand and cope with her issues. She didn't buy it though, how did you understand someone as vulgar as the person renting space in her skull?

Her body poked out of the water, just her knees and nipples, as she enjoyed the difference in heat. She had done a little research about her future home for the next few years. It would be a quiet place, she had hoped, just outside of one of the old worlds most beautiful cities. She'd learned that the surrounding country side was hilly and hopefully dark. She'd go crazy with out star gazing to distract her every now and then. She could live without it, but if it was a choice between people and stars, she'd always chose the stars. Jeanne didn't trust people, she trusted stars, people would come and go, but stars, stars would be around for you're life time. Even if a star had died before you were born, chances are you could see it, and for most of your life watch it grow and evolve. Even if the star did die in your life time, it would a beautiful thing. Not like people, people didn't evolve like stars.

She did her best to shrug off the morose thoughts. This was the last few weeks before she was shipped off to school. She wanted to enjoy them as much as possible. It had been three weeks since she was put on her medications, and she had noticed a reduction of interjections that the voice had made, but it was still there, still scathing. She sighed, affixed her normal cheery smile, and got out of the tub. Glancing at herself in the mirror again. It was going to be a good day, she thought to herself.