My journey to Insanity

[Carolinae]

I never really wanted to share my story as I was never proud of it and it only brings me bad memories. But I feel guilty that I am reading everyone’s stories in the “Mental Problems that YOU have” thread but I am not sharing mine. I made this topic not because I wanted attention its just that my story might require some discussion. This long post took me 3 days of culminating my past, I hope you can get to find some material for your VN:

Ever since my childhood years, everyone has perceived me as weird but I saw nothing wrong with me. I am capable of being as much a human as anyone and I get to live my life the normal way. Or at least in my definition. When I was young, my father left the country to work abroad, so I never really knew him much. My mother stayed home to look after the family, she was an excellent mother, a hardworking woman who really cares for her family. But to be honest, I never really feel her love.

I do not know what’s the problem but the cares that a person must feel towards her love ones does not exist in me at all. I see her as something more of an acquaintance than a parent. It went on like that for years, pretending my relationship with her as if I only follow her for the sake of protection.

I remembered 2 times where my teachers called me to talk to them and countless more times where my mother talked with me about my problems that I cannot even confirm to exist. My childhood was vague as I paid it no attention but there was no doubt that my mother once cried in our talks. Then after years of repeated cases, she had enough and said “I am tired with your shit!”. That was where I ended my connection with her and kept all my problems to myself. Even on my Highschool years where I was bullied.

I suffered bullying in highschool and I cannot understand why people underestimate this act of harassment, to have this serious problem ignored, is a grand portrayal of how society values itself. The people whom I perceived as trustworthy friends only saw me as a laughing stock. For so long I fooled myself and I must be one of the lucky ones to realized it early and decided to avoid them all.

My plans of peace of mind worked, I enjoyed my isolation and peace. Alone but not lonely, I slowly learned how to steel my heart and cared only for myself. As long as it will not affect my grades, it matters none. Sports Festival? I slept on the library. Cultural Fest? I slept in the park. J.S Prom? I skipped the practice and never danced in the ball, all alone in the seat.

Everyone had their opinions on me as if my existence was all wrong. But unfortunately for them, I am more concerned in doing right things, than doing things right.

Everything was going well in my opinion but I was never prepared for the effects of bottling it all up.

Due to my solitary acts, it was inevitable for me to feel loneliness. I felt the craving for emotions but I decided to harden my heart and believed that it will soon pass. It was a foolish act to abandon the world and be a shut in, but you do not understand, I became an observer and the more I look, the more reasons I find to avoid any contacts. Once you learned how society works, you will not want to be a part of it.

Weeks passed and I was right, the emotion of loneliness will really pass if you waited enough. I was the company of myself. My thoughts began to manifest into voices and my philosophies became characters. As if I am a few persons in one body. It was exhausting and I suffered the side effects where I began to have “memory lapses”. One moment I am in front of the computer, the next I am standing up without any memories of it. Scary, but I dismissed it as lack of rest.

That was just the beginning. Followed by it was of how I noticed the feeling of emptiness and lack of emotion. I was unable to feel any stress in the most frustrating situation and unable to feel joy in a rampaging crowd. I feel lifeless and dry, calm and cold in every angle. Otaku’s says that Kuuderes are cute, but for an artist of words, it was unbearable to be barren of any emotions, I became my own nightmare

My stories became a tremendous task to write. They were all in my head but my I cannot write because I cannot feel the love for it. Everyone who knows me was even more painful, they complained that they are angry at my actions but when I asked them why, they just cant tell either. When I realized that my house is no longer a home, that’s where the peak of my insanity occurred

I escaped my troubling reality by creating an imaginary friend, and my conversations with them became so vivid, it wasn’t long till I failed to differ reality and fantasy. I hallucinated of a blue snake, wrapped in my body and hear the voices of a girl when I am in the dark. My mind was so full of unreal things that I gradually doubt my own existence

Do you know how mirrors works? I was so detach that began to feel like I am the reflection looking over at the real world. Suicidal thoughts was rich in my head, I wondered if this feeling of emptiness can cease if I just die. I cultivated an obsession with death. My computer is filled with acts of torture and injuries. Video clips and gifs of dying people filled my files. I envied them who has been lifted of their misery and went to the other side of the mirror.

Once, I tried to self harm myself and god, the pain made me feel so alive. But I never tried it again as I am not stupid.
Due to my exposure to those harmful shows, added by my state of mind, it was needless to say that my sense of morality broke. I began to have impulses and breakdown period where I just see red and the desire to kill someone filled my veins. One moment, I am cold and emotionless, the next, I could be holding myself from killing anyone.

I began to carry a knife to school. And I felt an attachment to it, to the point that I almost saw that blade as a person and attempted to name it. I was so broken then but I managed to last more till I met this man in our class. He was 2 years older than me and an otaku nerd but I fell in love with him. He was the persistent one who stick to me and tried to start conversations. I only saw him as an annoyance at first (like anyone else) but he had his charms and in our conversations, he amazes me with his philosophies in life and fluency in debates. And to think that he is an otaku

He invited me towards the schools Anime Club and dragged me to occasions like Anime Conventions. Im not really into those, but I was curious and I like his company. Little by little, I began to realize how my emotions began to stir when I am beside him. It was by his presence that I started to feel alive again as if I am starting to fall in love. Which was the exact problem.

You see…he is the leader type of the class. And due to his nice and gentleman ways, girls tend to flock to him. And that was the least of the problems. The main problem is of how I act. I saw them all as a threat, they take away all my chances of a good conversation. (I only talk when I am alone with him). I started to bear grudges, it was the first time I felt anger once more, and though I never took their names, I embedded their faces on my brain, I know every facial features of them who was holding him so close. It was NEVER an adorable thing to see yourself behind the door with a knife in hand as you watch the man you love being so close to so many people other than you.

I know that I am possessive. I know how dangerous I am. And that the only real threat is me.
So one day, I came to the decision that it is best to avoid him.

I avoided any conversations with him, abandoning any chances of it. I know that it’s the most logical choice and I should be happy with my decision. It was the longest days of my life. The intense denial took its toll in me. For I now know how it feels to be happy again, the fear of loneliness immediately acted.

My breakdown periods grew stronger and much more frequent. It was so strong that one day, I was cooking when I had an attack causing me to poison the meal, which my parents ate. It was poisoned with sleeping pills which I bought for myself, just in case. I cannot remember my emotion when I used it, but I remember that I was holding my laughter inside my room as they ate it without any doubts. After that breakdown, I was frightened by my own act of attempted murder that I cried.

But it was not yet over, the knife that I brought to school increased in number and size. Once, I brought only 1 reliable blade. But it quickly increased into 8 butcher tools. And every single one of them was treated with my care. The guards was unable to find it in my bag because they never had the reason and time to inspect every single pocket of every student.

During times of breakdowns, I lock myself in the C.R and swing the knife to my hearts content. I exhaust myself for I do not want to hurt anyone. I avoided crowds, and rejected any invitations for any kind of gatherings as I am scared that I might suddenly attack. I also carried a few does alcohol with me just for the sake of calming myself.

I do not know how long I suffered like that but I have a diary that kept about 6 months record up to now. Everytime I have an attack, I just write my feelings down. It does not disappear but I am hoping to learn something. On the day that I read it, I noticed that the first records was relatively calm but my blood curled as how the latest entries was written without my memories!

Here is two entries, all were written with the penmanship of as if I am shaking:
Mar 14 ,
My reality is fading, please, HELP!
Mar. 20,
Why do I have to exist?....I cannot think clearly anymore. My mind is so clouded. SOMEONE! ANYONE! PLEASE, TALK TO ME!

One day due to confusion of myself, I confessed my problems in the Guardians Office. I trusted her to take care of my problems, I made her swear not to speak anything. I even let her confiscate the knives that I love so much. Her eyes was open in fear as she saw how much I was carrying then. 9 pieces of glittering blades, ready for murder.

I was happy that I felt like I have found someone who can listen, but guess what she did? Right after class, she called my parents and alerted the guards! I was betrayed!

My peaceful life crumbled on that very moment. The family who used to respect my privacy will no longer let me stay in the room for 2 hours without them knowing what I am doing, they even resorted to digging my files. The guards, became more focused on their inspections and they will no longer let me pass the gate without opening every single pocket.

I know that she has done the right thing but it cost me my peace. When the pressure became too suffocating, I flee to the cemetery and spent my time there wondering how nice it will be if they found my body here. Out of a sick humor, I sent the Guidance office a letter about all my grudges to her. But no death threats. I know how guilt works, and surely, that letter will drive her to a depression

The next week, the whole teachers council appointed a meeting to me and they brought their wisest phychology student with them to hear my confession. It was through my parents that I learned that I could get expelled if it turned out wrong. And to think that you could get punished for the betrayal of the person who should provide “guidance and council”

On that meeting, I was happy that I had no breakdown but I was still angry at how I was forced to confess. I told them of the crimes I committed, of how I poisoned my parents and then they stopped me. I do not know, but I believe they got scared, which was normal.

They scheduled me for psychiatrists and psychologists.
I never trusted them at all. But I just went on with the flow. It was painful for me to confess to the people whom I cannot trust so I told them only half. I never told them how I acted infront of “that man” I never told them that I avoided crowds for the sake of their safety and so on.

Results: “Schizoid Personality Disorder with Mild Schizophremia”
Solution: Proper Sleep with medicine

I am uncomfortable at how they just dismissed my case as if its normal. And I have doubts at their assumptions

They are giving me medicine right now. And god, I hope it works
My next meeting will be on May 9. Wish me luck

[Nodscouter]

As someone who feels a definite attachment to a self-made knife I have, out of paranoia, I'm impressed that you managed to see them get carried away without acting on it. That takes strength.
I do wish you the best of luck. No-one deserves to go through this. But I hope you'll have the luck to feel better some day. Even if it might seem distant.

[TheLastMelody]

Can I give you a hug now?

You have a few grammar errors, but who doesn't?

That first part is almost how I was, just that I haven't gone beyond one knife, or the observer-feeling stage. I love things that make me feel something again ^_^

I will ask for permission to quote you on this:

Once you learned how society works, you will not want to be a part of it.

And this:

I know that I am possessive. I know how dangerous I am. And that the only real threat is me.

And I have to say, such self-reflection is unusual to see, and a good thing to have.

I wish you luck on your meeting, I know how tough those can be, mine were almost hell :/

[Carolinae]

Can we hear your story?

[TheLastMelody]

Can we hear your story?

Hmmmm, okay, why not?

My dad were pretty much absent during my childhood as he and my mom had moved from each other before I can remember anything, I still met him briefly, thou.
My mom was, and still is, a control freak, I was diagnosed with ADD and ADHD early in my childhood and had to take some kind of medicine against it, can't remember wich or how much. In the beginning I took them like the "good boy" I was, after a while I noticed that they made me feel uncomfortable so I stopped taking them, not with my mothers, or the psychologists consent, but they did not need to know I didn't take them, for I still pretended to take them, I would spit them out in the toilet at the first opportunity or push the pills down the kitchen sink.

I got discovered, they tried to make me take a smaller dose of something else, but I flat out refused, and since they couldn't exactly force me to take them, I haven't taken medications for my "condition" since.

In grade school I was the kid everyone bullied, but I mostly laughed it away and then started to ignore the bullies, so they went eventually became tired of bullying me (took only 7 years)

I did not get bullied in Junior high or High, mainly because I was apparently born with strong arms, so they didn't dare to shit with me, and no one else wanted anything to do with me.

Now, let's go back in time again, I started the "distancing myself from others"-process in my last, or second to last year I think it was, I was playing with one of the few friends I had, he had made this awesome shield and wanted to test it. He asked me to get a stick and hit the shield as hard as I could, and I did just that. He wanted to see if the shield could handle the force, the shield handed it well enough, but his arm didn't. That was when I got afraid of hurting others, I had long been told by the psychologist that I should learn how to control my strength...

The psychologist made me paranoid because they asked so much about me, my opinions and stuff like that and because they always had secret meetings behind my back that they thought I didn't know about.

They paranoia made me unable to trust anyone, I still don't, by the way, I trust the strangers on the net more than I do my mom, unless they say/do something I consider threatening :/

Mom always said that everything she did regarding medication, psychologist, etc etc, was for my own best, I didn't believe it then, and I still don't. She always says that she loves me, never felt that she does, or that I love her back.

I then started carrying a knife to school (there is NO school security here, AT ALL, not even guards, the only guards the school has are those working at the police station), the kind of knife you usually take with you when you go for a camping trip, and I kept it close to my hand almost everywhere out of home, I still carry it, but now I have it in my bag.

The observer feeling kicked in together with the paranoia, and has stayed since, I avoid human contact in general.

Haven't been to the shrink in a few years now, and I like the whole "I am more than one person thing", it's like there is more of me, just with differencing opinions. I know for a fact that I have different personas and that they talk with me from time to time.

I probably left a lot out, but I am surprised I even managed this much, since I almost have the memory of a goldfish :/

I know I am a crappy writer, I am more of the practical type, and if you ask, I am most likely able to answer.

EDIT:
Before I forget (again) can I quote you on those two?

[Carolinae]

it doesnt make sense how you decided to skip your medicine. I wanted to do that because the medicine numbs my creativity.
Also, i find it weirder of how you are going into paranoia and carryng a knife when it doesnt seem like you had a bad past. I flee towards fantasy because I dont want my loneliness to drive me insane.

I forgot to add this, but once, I also tried to take a kitten as a pet. I was hoping it could relieve my feelings of loneliness and wake the nurturing instinct within me. But one night, I just found myself with a butcher knife and attempted to kill the noisy furball. You had no idea how glad I was to wake up before I could have done something I will regret.
(The kitten still died out of neglect, though)

I have adopted new kitten today and my latest attacks was no longer that strong but I was fighting my instinct not to break her neck. In fact, I am shaking right now as I type. I am excited to see her death but my concience fight off that feeling

edit;
you dont even have to ask. those ideas are thought to me by wiser pilosophers

[TheLastMelody]

I know, it makes no sense that I became like this, I didn't have a very painful past, and I still don't. But I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I had VERY LITTLE to do when I was younger, wich gave me about 8 hours a day of thinking about the world and stuff, that makes you pretty cynical :/

Also, who should I then quote?

[Nodscouter]

it doesnt make sense how you decided to skip your medicine. I wanted to do that because the medicine numbs my creativity.

Speaking from my own perspective here, not sure if it syncs with yours Melody, but paranoid people do not like medicine. You're given something to eat that you're told will change your body/mind for the better. Given the trust issues that are rather core to the paranoid psyche, medicine is a terrifying thing. For a paranoid person, it's never really based on what the medicine actually does to you (Like in your case regarding creativity), but rather what you might think the medicine will do to you.

[Zezin]

Wall of text! Wall of text!
But I read it don't worry. I think everyone here has a story. It's harsh out there and it seems like you got a bad deal with life.
I think I sound like I'm trivializing what you are saying. If I do, know that I mean the complete opposite. Sounds like you have it a lot like I do if not worse.
I feel like this already old news by now but I wanted to get my two cents in.

[Carolinae]

Also, who should I then quote?

keep it, a wisdom not shared is a wisdom wasted.

Wall of text! Wall of text!
But I read it don't worry. I think everyone here has a story. It's harsh out there and it seems like you got a bad deal with life.
I think I sound like I'm trivializing what you are saying. If I do, know that I mean the complete opposite. Sounds like you have it a lot like I do if not worse.
I feel like this already old news by now but I wanted to get my two cents in.

i wont say I had it bad in life. But rather, I see life in the bad angle. And the only reason for my suffering is how I worry not to hurt anyone. Its a bad thing to make a joke out of it. But dont you find it funny that due to my love for others I became a danger to them? And if I wont love, I become a danger to myself.

i am uncomfortable in speaking this. But i the brain stops growing at age 22. Once that age came, maybe I will turn into someone who kills for love or loves to kill.

[TheLastMelody]

Also, who should I then quote?

keep it, a wisdom not shared is a wisdom wasted.

That, I will quote you on!

Wall of text! Wall of text!
But I read it don't worry. I think everyone here has a story. It's harsh out there and it seems like you got a bad deal with life.
I think I sound like I'm trivializing what you are saying. If I do, know that I mean the complete opposite. Sounds like you have it a lot like I do if not worse.
I feel like this already old news by now but I wanted to get my two cents in.

i wont say I had it bad in life. But rather, I see life in the bad angle. And the only reason for my suffering is how I worry not to hurt anyone. Its a bad thing to make a joke out of it. But dont you find it funny that due to my love for others I became a danger to them? And if I wont love, I become a danger to myself.

i am uncomfortable in speaking this. But i the brain stops growing at age 22. Once that age came, maybe I will turn into someone who kills for love or loves to kill.

Let us hope it becomes something more like whatever you want it to be ^_^

[KRiZ831]

Wow these... well I don't want to say stories because it just makes it all sound like fiction when it is obviously is much, much more. Is it twisted that I feel in some way happy that I wasn't the only one who has and still is going through a life that is so deviant from how society wanted us to grow? We've come here on a shared interest in romantic escapism but found people going through similar yet rarely traveled roads in life. I tried to explain MS the VN's concept to one of my 'close friends' but all they saw was something perverse. "Who could love someone [mentally Ill]?" she said. I smile at her words 'cause she could never understand to look at the person instead of the illness and I can't blame her for ignorance.
We all feel something but sometimes you don't know what your feeling

Forgive me if this is sloppy. I write like diarrhea and don't spell check.

[Carolinae]

Is it twisted that I feel in some way happy that I wasn't the only one who has and still is going through a life that is so deviant from how society wanted us to grow? We've come here on a shared interest in romantic escapism but found people going through similar yet rarely traveled roads in life. I tried to explain MS the VN's concept to one of my 'close friends' but all they saw was something perverse. "Who could love someone [mentally Ill]?" she said. I smile at her words 'cause she could never understand to look at the person instead of the illness and I can't blame her for ignorance.
We all feel something but sometimes you don't know what your feeling.

Funny isnt it? The society dictates a path for us to follow and those who chooses their own ways are branded as an outcast and rejected. They all demands for an apology, but never prepared to forgive. Always demanding for joy, but not satisfaction.

Active participation in society requires high levels of denial. Perhaps my insanity was just the natural reaction in seeing the truth about the world.

[TheLastMelody]

I write like diarrhea and don't spell check.

Ah hah hah, I write like a half-dissected frog but I do spell check, and your post is excellent, making the points clear, AND, you are right ^_^

Perhaps my insanity was just the natural reaction in seeing the truth about the world.

That may very well be the case, and if I think of it like that, it makes sense why I ended up/became/somethingelse like this...

You are almost too wise.

[KRiZ831]

Active participation in society requires high levels of denial. Perhaps my insanity was just the natural reaction in seeing the truth about the world.

I try and participate my best and to cope with the denial I look at pictures of lolzcats on the internet. The more denial I have the more escapism I need.

[TheLastMelody]

Playing games is a good way too, my personal favorite, other than that, I would recommend VN's, books and light novels ^_^