I Could Make You Care

[Kainazzo]

Hi there! Been meaning to introduce myself, so I'll throw everything in here. Playing through Katawa Shoujo made me regret not being more involved with the community during its development, so I'm glad to have found Missing Stars so early. Maybe even too early, we'll see how much my rusty writing sucks!

This is an idea I've been cooking up since late February, though I've only just now started acting on it. I'll say right now that it's MC x Jeanne, even though I only know of these characters through some pictures and a few blurbs. Is the MC's name even still Nantes? Guess I'll find out soon enough! I'm terribly out of practice, it's been about 2 years since I've last written anything, much less fiction. Thus, feel free to dish out pointers to help me improve, lord knows I'll need them.

Apologies for the sudden stop, but I've hit a wall for now. I'll leave it so you can see me at my worst, there's bound to be a mound of tense confusion. I'll put more up after a rest, hopefully it's all up from here!

Edit: Sheesh, I'm only a little more lucid and already I can see that this doesn't make for a good first impression. Much too short, I should have let it collect for a few more days. I can do better; I'll let this be a reminder to never submit my first draft. Forgot about that rule, I sure did. Nary a screenshot and already MS is inspiring self-reflection and improvement :p

Ch.1, p1

“Do you have everything? I’m sure they’ve got a store where you can get a better umbrella.”

“I’m sure, mom, thanks.”

The car interior chimed its electronic bells as I opened the door, it didn’t always do that. Well, I suppose today is a special day, the car may just want to say goodbye. Goodbye, Yugo.

“What about your ID for the guards?”

I reached into my pocket and fingered a plastic shard, which was probably it.

“Got it.”

Rain, it was raining today. I never liked the rain too much, it cancelled recess but never school. It drenched my clothes but seldom touched the lawn at home. Even when it passed the stench of runoff always lingered; truly rain strives to make one miserable until the bitter end.

“Well, alright then, Nantes. Have fun, I’ll see you in a few months.”

Not two steps from the car and already I could hardly understand her through the noise. Water struck the pavement in a steady torrent of soft screaming- a reminder. It had to be.

“Mom?”

“Yes?”

If the rain’s yelling at me this much to do it, I may as well. Maybe that would shut it up a bit.

“I’m sorry, I never meant for this to happen.”

I’ve spouted that line too many times to count, but I still attested to it.

“I know, and I don’t blame you.”

Her response was curt; she wasn’t even looking at me. I bet I sounded like old radio propaganda, full of words that had long since lost their meaning. Though her voice carried a layer of sincerity, that had to be purely because I was her son. She was obligated, and I knew she wished I wouldn’t talk about it.

Ha, that’s such an awful way to pose her. Blasted rain!

“We’re all in this together, I’ll be thinking of you.”

With that, the powered window rolled up. Well, it certainly tried its best to anyway; rarely did it ever make it all the way. Were it not so foggy I could probably see myself in it, hopefully I didn’t look as bad as I felt. The sputtering engine wretched the car forward through the fog, and they were gone.

The wrought iron gates were truly a sight, or rather a lack of. I couldn’t even see the tips of the bars through the morning haze. Would they even be tips? Would they ever skewer a wayward student trying to vault over? Does this place have people that would try that?

“Good morning there, may I see please see your ID?”

Ah, gracious, the guards were already on me.

“Sure, right here.”

I reached into my pocket with my free hand; it was tough to keep the matted umbrella steady. The guard had a nice one, big but not too fancy. I need to see if I can find one like that.

“Mr. Goshen, welcome. I’ll get the gate open for you.”

He walked inside the guardhouse built between the flanking gates and I instinctively followed. Peering through the reinforced window I could see all sorts of small odds and ends. There was a blob that was most likely a chair, another that resembled a table with a radio, and a large rectangular, brown, blurred…thing. Like an airplane propeller, a didgeridoo, or an exceptionally imposing sniper rifle. That last thought stayed with me a moment longer.

Lord, what have I gotten myself into?

Winches hummed to life as they pried the metal bars apart, their efforts screeching through the downpour. They sounded like they could use some oiling, though I couldn’t spot any rust.

“Follow me, please.”

A second guard waved as we walked towards the main building. I’d already seen the campus and met with the higher-ups. Mr. Bosworth, the headmaster, seemed a particularly kind man, though definitely not the pitiable type.

The guard opened the door and I stepped inside the main hall. Was he being kind, or just making sure I didn’t get the jump on him? Never hurts to be too careful I guess, not that I would ever do such a thing. Hopefully.

We stopped in the middle of the open atrium, light filtering above through the stained-glass dome. If I were a romanticist, I’d probably liken it to being in the Pantheon. There was certainly enough stone to go around.

“You have your syllabi? First period’s been going for the past ten minutes.”

That’s right, not even a day to adapt. That also explains the emptiness in here; I didn’t see a single student on the walk in. I’d already lost track of the time. I need to add a watch to my shopping list. We’d driven here bright and early, but at least it was Friday. Tired as I was, the weekend would give the courtesy of allowing me to get my bearings.

“Yeah, it says I’ve got calculus, room 2.224.”

“Ha! A morning with Ms. Claes? That’s a great way to start the day; do you know how to get there?”

I quickly recalled my tour from a few weeks prior; the building hadn't been so quiet back then.

“I take the stairs to the second floor, right?”

“Yes, and then it’s down the right corridor, should be one of the first doors on your left.”

[Malkav]

Heheheh. Length is always good, if you're trying to write a novel that will sell, but for a bunch of internet anons who are simply waiting to see what you've created, I'm sure you'll find that even a half-page per week would be enough to satisfy them isn't that how it works with weekly internet comics?

Hmmm; I very much enjoy the animistic delusions the character experiences. It makes this story quite different and fun to read! You have great spelling and grammar, and your punctuation use is very good, as well. While there's enough variety in sentence structure to make things work, a little more might not hurt. The word variety, on the other hand, is quite refreshing. I only noticed one run-on sentence near the end ("I'd already lost... shopping list"). Separate those two thoughts with a period instead of a comma, and this paper will have syntactically-, semantically-flawless writing.

Good work I think this is the first direct fan-fic this part of the forum has ever received! +1 Brownie point.

[MeatBagReborn]

Good so far. There seems to be a decent amount of effort exerted in the writing process. Looking forward to future chapters.