Hey, all!
I wasn't sure if I should post this here or in the other VNs thread, but since I made this, I thought it was a different category than something I just found on the internet.
Not too many people know this, but I've stopped writing for Somnova after the stress became too great, but funnily enough, I subsequently attended a summer arts programme in which this VN was my final project. Strange how things turn out sometimes, eh?
Anyway, it's about Mary Sues, and if you want to check it out, it's about a 10-20 minute read (super short !!), and I'd love some feedback.
http://www.mediafire.com/download/kb4i2 ... .0-all.zip
Thanks!
~an-tan
Mary Mary-- A VN about badly written characters.
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1. No porn or illegal stuff. No links to porn without a NSFW mark
2. Don’t derail threads
3. No post on this board grants any right to feel offended. Behaving like a douchebag will get you banned though, try to keep it civilized
4. No quote pyramids
5. Absolutely no reddit/9gag/funnyjunk crap
6. No dox
7. No debating over politics and religion. All that results is butthurt and ego-stroking.
Mary Mary-- A VN about badly written characters.
You know you love me.
Re: Mary Mary-- A VN about badly written characters.
A couple strange things I noticed: When Harrison had just arrived at the school, he mentioned that there was a high ratio of gals to guys in regards to MSS. He then went on to ask Blade why there were so many girls compared to guys during chapter 3. And a few times when MC-kun was talking to someone, I thought he was in inner monologue mode because there was no name above the text for whatever reason.
p.s. I totally wouldn't mind if this project was extended
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p.s. I totally wouldn't mind if this project was extended
Re: Mary Mary-- A VN about badly written characters.
Taking away people's transformation abilities is NOT cool, man.
Me too, ILY-kun!ILY wrote:(I even laughed out loud once or twice, jeez)
"I'm twice the man Erik is." - Lena Forst
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scopedknife
- Composer
- Posts: 366
- Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2012 5:00 am
- Location: UK
Re: Mary Mary-- A VN about badly written characters.
Initial response: "Oh, hi, Kendall!"
Second: "Oh another one..."
Third: "Oh I see what she did"
Overall, very enjoyable. I noticed a couple of spelling mistakes, but the concept itself is very amusing, and well executed. Not to mention that it raises the interesting moral issue of 'editing' people, for lack of a better term. Very good stuff ^^
Second: "Oh another one..."
Third: "Oh I see what she did"
Overall, very enjoyable. I noticed a couple of spelling mistakes, but the concept itself is very amusing, and well executed. Not to mention that it raises the interesting moral issue of 'editing' people, for lack of a better term. Very good stuff ^^
<alabaster> I don't like it that big.
Re: Mary Mary-- A VN about badly written characters.
Hey, scoped, could you point out the spelling mistakes I made so I can go back and edit them out?
You know you love me.
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scopedknife
- Composer
- Posts: 366
- Joined: Fri Feb 03, 2012 5:00 am
- Location: UK
Re: Mary Mary-- A VN about badly written characters.
Thoughts during conversation with Sakura on the way to class: "She's... a old timer" should be "She's... an old timer?"
Description of meal after choosing "None of you": "The last meal I ate before I cam out here..." should be "The last meal I ate before I came out here.
Talking to Blade outside during dinner about the dream, after choosing "None of you": "Like, there was this whole weird speclation..." should be "Like, there was this whole weird speculation..."
Eating dinner with Blade, after choosing "Blade": "and when they gave my my round of vaccinations..." should possibly be "when they gave me my round of vaccinations..."??
Same conversation: "I could one guy for six girls." should presumably be "I count one guy for six girls."
Also same section: "Sometimes the best thing to do is just sit down and stae your fears in the face." "stae" should be "stare"
Also, there's inconsistency in whether you use "Tara Gilespie" or "Tara Gilesbie"
There are also a couple of instances where characters' names don't show above what is presumably their dialogue, usually (but not always) when they say more than one thing in a row.
Anyway, those are all the major things I picked out, assuming I didn't somehow miss any branches. Does this officially make me your editor, an-tan?
Description of meal after choosing "None of you": "The last meal I ate before I cam out here..." should be "The last meal I ate before I came out here.
Talking to Blade outside during dinner about the dream, after choosing "None of you": "Like, there was this whole weird speclation..." should be "Like, there was this whole weird speculation..."
Eating dinner with Blade, after choosing "Blade": "and when they gave my my round of vaccinations..." should possibly be "when they gave me my round of vaccinations..."??
Same conversation: "I could one guy for six girls." should presumably be "I count one guy for six girls."
Also same section: "Sometimes the best thing to do is just sit down and stae your fears in the face." "stae" should be "stare"
Also, there's inconsistency in whether you use "Tara Gilespie" or "Tara Gilesbie"
There are also a couple of instances where characters' names don't show above what is presumably their dialogue, usually (but not always) when they say more than one thing in a row.
Anyway, those are all the major things I picked out, assuming I didn't somehow miss any branches. Does this officially make me your editor, an-tan?
<alabaster> I don't like it that big.
